You You is the father
by Axelicious Roxorpantz
Summary: Stupid oneshot based off of cracklike messaging in the wee hours of the morning with a friend of mine. Is not meant to be serious in any way. Contains mpreg because mpreg makes me laugh. It was more of a challenge to see if I could write it. Anyway, I'm not sorry at all. Complete crack fic. Rated M for Levi's mouth.


A typical day in the Survey Corps. castle for Erwin Smith usually started with waking up, jogging around the grounds, eating some breakfast followed by running drills for the senior members and watching a few give drills to the recruits. After that it was lunchtime, followed usually by paperwork from Pixis. Once all that was done, he would check in with Levi about the days work, talk to Hanji about her research, then head down for dinner and soon after that was bedtime.

Today was not a typical day.

His jog had gone well, as had breakfast. The recruits were training away and Erwin sat at his desk staring at the piles of papers in front of him. Just as he was about to get down to business, Levi opened the door and made his way into his office. He knew it was the Captain because, honestly, no one else would have the balls to just waltz in without knocking except for Levi. Not that Erwin minded, he'd shared many an intimate night with this man, he wasn't going to care if he decided to visit his office unannounced. The Commander looked up at Levi with a barely concealed smile as the other reached his desk, but the smile fell short as soon as he saw the expression on the Captain's face.

"Levi, what brings you by?" he leaned back in his chair, crossing one leg over his knee as he does so. Levi made no attempt to speak, rather the other man simply lifted up a card to eye level, then slapped it down on Erwin's desk, his eyes never leaving the Commanders'. After dropping the card, Levi then promptly turned on his heel and started walking back out of the room, hips unintentionally swaying as he did so.

Erwin furrowed his eyebrows at the display, but that look soon turned to a smirk as his eyes found the perfect posterior of his second in command as he walked out the door and away down the hall. He wasn't sure what that whole thing was about, but he'd find out later that night, hopefully. He returned his gaze to his desk and saw the card Levi had left behind. It was a bright sort of blue with the words "Do you know what a father is?" texted out on the front. He furrowed his brow again, 'what kind of question was that?' he wondered as he opened the card.

"You. You is a father."

The words emblazoned on the inside of the card seemed to stare him directly in the face. He stared at them a moment more before his eyes widened in realization, brows un-furrowing and nestling themselves somewhere up in his hair. He quickly looked up to the doorway, hoping Levi was still there. He wasn't. He looked back at the card again in disbelief. There was no way…. He looked back up at the empty doorway, reaffirming that it was indeed empty. He looked at the card yet again. There was simply _no way._

"WHAT?!" Erwin's chair was loudly scraped across the floor in his hasty escape from his desk, not caring that the speed at which he moved past his desk sent paperwork flying everywhere as he dashed out of the room and down the hall. He had to find Levi, Now.

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"WHAT?!"

Eren paused in his cleaning of the kitchen, as the yell came ringing down the hall outside the room. He quirked an eyebrow, that had sounded a lot like the Commander. But what would make the Commander so upset? Eren would have thought more along that line of thinking had Levi not stormed his way into the kitchen looking like a predator seeking prey. He shrunk back slightly, but the shorter man just stepped right up to him, glaring into his eyes.

He wasn't sure why he was suddenly nervous, he'd seen the Captain countless times, and had been allowed in he and the Commander's special moments. Special was the wrong word for it, since Levi would probably try to cut his tongue out for wording it like that, but that's kind of what it felt like. When they weren't saving the world, saving each other and trying to figure out the inner politics of the city, they had these special times when none of that mattered. All that mattered was the three of them. He blushed a bit thinking about it, but was quickly brought back to reality when a hand was fisted in the collar of his shirt and he was forcibly yanked down a few inches to meet his Captain eye to eye.

"Um.. Sir?"

"Happy fucking fathers' day." was all the Captain said before turning swiftly again and walking back out of the room.

"Wha-..? But I'm not a father… Sir-!" Eren quickly swallowed any further words he was going to say when he was met with the death glare to defeat all death glares. He shrunk back again as if he could feel the glare on his physical person.

Levi wrinkled his nose up, "You think so?" he breathed out vehemently before turning back around and storming the rest of the way out of the kitchen.

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A few months passed the castle, none too quickly either. As it turned out, by some weird unexplainable reason, Levi was pregnant. The plan was to keep it a secret from everyone except Levi, Erwin and Eren, but in a place like that, rumors spread like wildfire and of course, you can't hide anything from Hanji, much to Levi's chagrin. She was all over the place excited when she found out, asking questions here, poking and prodding his stomach whenever she had the chance. He'd angrily swiped her hands away multiple times, but for each one he was met with a happy smile and a singsong-y humming from her.

Erwin and Eren were entirely different matters. Both had this surreal feeling and could barely believe it, but had no choice when the tell-tale bump began distorting Levi's abdomen. Eren almost seemed scared of it, refusing to touch it, but at the same time couldn't take his eyes off it, which usually ended up with Levi yelling about taking 'a damn picture, it'll fucking last longer you fucking brat' and Eren shutting up and setting about cleaning the castle in a frenzy.

Erwin was a completely different story. While he was no less scared than Eren, he snuck glances at the Captain's stomach when he wasn't looking, awestruck at the flat out impossible occurrence happening there, a small smile tugging up at the corners of his mouth.

They didn't know who the father was, either Erwin or Eren, but they'd both had sex with Levi recently enough that it was a total toss up on who's the baby was. Both of them didn't shirk any responsibility for it, they stepped up to the plate and prepared themselves for possible fatherhood. Although Erwin, he decided he would be in father mode regardless of whose it was.

More time went by and gradually Levi began to realize that he couldn't do his usual training routine anymore. He hadn't wanted to accept it, fuck, he wasn't going to accept it, yet, here he was, unable to fucking stretch properly because there was a fucking soon-to-be baby in the way. He had yelled at Erwin and promised pain if he attempted to lighten his workload again a few weeks ago and had nearly killed Eren when the teen attempted to stop him from picking up a crate. He was not fucking fragile and would not be treated as such.

As it was, he was sitting in the lowest section of the castle, behind the highest stack of crates and boxes he could find, hiding. What he was hiding from he wasn't sure, but he didn't want to be around anyone at the moment. His knees were as close to his chest as he could get them and his eyes felt hot as he sat in the darkness. Wait, was he fucking crying? What the actual fuck. No. NO. Levi did not fucking cry. Why the fuck am I crying. FUCK. Ever since this whole stupid mess started, his emotions had gone haywire. And for the love of god, he was not happy about the ride they were taking him on.

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Erwin was running. All day he was running. And not because he was training either. Levi had him running hither-thither and everywhere. "The room is too cold, I'm fucking freezing my balls off over here. Go build the fire up or something!" "It's too hot, do you think I'm a fucking lizard? Do I look fucking cold blooded to you?" It was usually best to simply not answer those outbursts. Doing so invited a new volley of insults that made about as much sense as the original request. But dutifully, Erwin did them.

Eren was running, but he was running away. The stack of books Levi had requested to be brought up to him was currently being thrown, one by one at the teen, who was doing his best to dodge, but was failing miserably.

"I said I wanted something entertaining, this shit doesn't fucking cover it!" Another book was thrown.

"Y-you said you wanted that one though, I had to get Hanji's help finding it an-" a yelp of pain cut off the rest of Eren's words as the book found it's mark on the back of his head.

"You can never keep anything I do away from her, can you? She has to know fucking everything.."

Eren leapt outside the room and hid against the wall beside the door, panting heavily. He wished this pregnant shit would end soon, because he was getting tired of it. Levi wanted this, and then he wanted that, then said he never wanted this to begin with and Eren was an idiot, shitty, fucking brat. Of course the insults towards Erwin were no less.

One particular shout had the whole legion awake one morning,

"I SWEAR TO GOD ERWIN, TREAT ME LIKE A FUCKING FRAGILE ASS PRINCESS ONE MORE TIME, AND I WILL PERSONALLY MAKE SURE YOU NEVER SHIT CORRECTLY AGAIN. EVER."

Though the job of caring for a very pregnant Levi was tough, the two never backed out or threw the other under the bus. Food was starting to get a little scarcer in the winter time, so the whole corp was put on fixed rations. Save for one. You guessed it.

"Meat. MEAT. I WANT MEAT, DAMNIT!"

"Bu-but there's a meat shortag-"

"IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME MEAT, I'M GOING TO SHOVE MY FIST UP YOUR ASSHOLE AND PULL OUT YOUR INTESTINES."

Regardless of the shortage, the two made sure Levi was never without what he started calling his 'comfort foods'.

"Are you sure you want me to put chocolate in with your chicken soup..?"

"No Erwin, I fucking misspoke."

"Well, I was just making sure, it's an unusual request-" Erwin flinched, that was the wrong choice of words and he knew it.

"OH I'M SORRY, DOES THE FACT THAT I'M CARRYING YOUR COULD-BE SPAWN LARVA MAKE ME UNUSUAL NOW? I'M SO FUCKING SORRY TO INCONVENIENCE YOU."

Despite the yelling, screaming and general assholeness, there were times when all Levi needed was their presence beside him. Eren happened across a moment when Levi was out of bed, standing in front of his mirror, turning from side to side, looking at his stomach, touching it all over and then turning to the other side again. Eren first thought he was laughing, the way his shoulders shook silently, his form beginning to quake. Then he heard the choked back sounds and was momentarily frozen in place.

"You're a little bastard, do you know that? You're fucking ruining me. Why the fuck can I even have you? Why should I fucking have you? The Survey Corp is no fucking place for a fucking baby! Why the fuck… Why the fuck…" Levi began to sink to the floor, but never quite made it as he was pulled into a hug by none other than the shitty brat, one of the two possible bastards that did this to him. However, at that moment, he couldn't bring any venom forth, he just let himself be led back over to his bed, where Eren climbed in next to him and held him close. He'd allow the brat to do what he wanted for now, but when the time came, he'd let him know how painful his life would be the moment anyone found out about his crying.

Other times he would be oddly comical about his predicament.

"I'M NEVER GETTING MY ABS BACK, ERWIN. THIS LITTLE BASTARD TOOK MY ABS AWAY. GIVE ME BACK MY ABS YOU SHITFACES."

Sometimes he would get so sick, that he was confined to the bed to rest. Levi hated those moments. When his god damned Commander and that shitty fucking brat just sat in there and stared at him. The reasonable side of him argued that they weren't just simply staring, they were concerned and wanted to do all they could and what was within their power to help him. But as usual lately, that side was squashed down as soon as the nausea hit and he was puking into a bowl. Erwin was right there to wipe his face clean of vomit and Eren made plenty of quick trips to the bathroom to dump the bowl, rinse it out and bring it back before it was needed again.

The fucking pity in their eyes made Levi want to retch more, despite how fucking gross that was.

"You… you fucking did this to me…" Those words tended to make them avert their eyes from his currently disgusting form, if only for a little while.

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The end of his term was coming quickly and his anticipation for this fucking parasite to be out of him was paralleled to none. As his anticipation rose, so did his irritableness.

" I thought I asked for fucking fruit for dinner. The fuck is this shit, _Commander_?" Levi stared up at Erwin with a blank, bored stare, but there could have been murder hiding behind those eyes.

"Levi, I told you, supply lines are having issues right now due to the increased number of titans in the ar-"

"FUCK YOU. EREN, GO TURN INTO A TITAN AND GO OUTSIDE AND GET ME SOME GOD DAMN FRUIT, MEAT AND BETTER FUCKING READING MATERIAL. AND SO HELP ME IF YOU MESS SHIT UP I WILL TEST THAT 'SHOVING A SWORD UP THE ASS' THEORY."

They didn't always take care of him together. More often than not, one would be out doing their duty and one would stay with the moody captain until it was their turn to go about their own duties. On one such day, Erwin was sitting with Levi, reading a book next to him as Levi read his own.

"Erwin?"

"Yes?"

"Twerk for me."

There was a decent amount of indignant sputtering, "Wh-I beg your pardon?"

"You heard me. Twerk."

"Why?"

"BECAUSE IT WILL AMUSE ME AND CHEER ME UP MAYBE."

"But… But, twerking? really? I'm not sure.."

"I'M PRETTY SURE YOU DON'T WANT A NEW ORIFICE TO SHIT OUT OF."

And thus, Erwin did his duty. And twerked. In shame really, but Levi actually smiled afterwards.

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Fuck, was Levi ready to shit this baby out. It wasn't the first time he'd thought about it, but the thought of how the baby was coming out disgusted him. The first crude thing his mind came up with had been that he would shit it out, plain and simple. The reasonable side of his brain told him that it would most likely have to be taken out via caesarian section. Of course, no matter which side of his brain he listened to, both were equally disgusting and either way fucking Hanji was sure to show up for the event.

In the end, it was by C-Section that the baby was taken out, Hanji being the one to do it. For some reason, Levi thought he'd be able to tell which one of those no good assholes was the father by just looking at the baby, but he was wrong. It was bald. So bald and so fat. I supposed he should thank whatever deity had made the decision to C-Section the damn thing a possibility. For a fleeting moment, he clenched his asshole in slight fear of what could have happened. Or at least, what he thought could have happened.

The screaming ball of flesh was handed to him. This was it, he could finally look the little bastard in the face and tell it exactly how he felt about being it's incubator for the last nine months. As it was set in his arms, he brought it down to his chest and stared at it. Hard. It opened it's eyes at him. And it had the nerve to smile. Smile. At him. Of all the fucking-...

He let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. The baby looked at him. _His _baby looked at him. And he looked at it. And somehow, the pain from the last nine months disappeared in that moment. A fleeting memory of the past. This, this thing, this kid in his arms was his. He made it. He carried it. He birthed it. Sort of. It was his. And one of the two morons grinning like fools above him. He rolled his eyes and stared back down at his baby again. His baby. _His baby._ Levi for a moment forgot where he was and who he was with. All he saw was the tiny thing in his arms, and he smiled. He supposed that, for the moment, it wasn't so bad.


End file.
